


I'd Kill Myself but Suicide is so Cliche

by fallingintoplace



Category: Bring Me The Horizon, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullying, Child Abuse, Cutting, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-14 09:03:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5737714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingintoplace/pseuds/fallingintoplace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HEY I REWROTE THIS CHECK IT OUT IF YOU WANT<br/>So, like Oli's depressed and suicidal, and Kellin's like a bully and it's gonna be really bad and high school sucks ad I hate it so yeah.  Warning: This is not gonna be happy. Trigger warnings in the tags, and like there's gonna be a lot of dark unhappy stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'd Kill Myself but Suicide is so Cliche

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all I rewrote this so read it if you want! Major trigger warnings for suicidal ideation/suicide, self harm, bullying, abuse and violence an homophobic language. So stay safe! I love you all!

I’m dead. My body just hasn't realized it. It’s simply a shell holding my clockwork heart and icicle soul. I can hear each tick tick tick of my heart, reminding me that I am technically still alive, and therefore have to go to school.

My morning routine should be quick but always takes forever due to the amount of time spent lying in bed and bemoaning my fate. I make a cup of coffee, because caffeine isn’t the worst thing to be addicted to. I pull on a pair of black jeans and a hopefully clean black band shirt that is so worn that I can’t tell who it’s for. Earbuds in, I nod along to music as I pack my bag and head out, not before noticing the note on the fridge from my mom. _Hey, Oli. I’m going to be working late. I left some money for you to order a pizza or something. Have a good day. ~Mom_

Not much of a surprise. My mom is never home, preferring her work to her son. I’d work all the time if I was my parent.

I walk to school with my music turned up as loud as it goes, trying to drown out the racing thoughts. Shut the fuck _up_ I’m _stupid_ and _worthless_ and goddammit why haven’t I _killed_ myself yet? I change the song. Something loud. 

I’d say I love school, but that’s a lie. I show up, do the bare minimum and try to skate under the radar. Doesn’t always work. I’m some sort of pariah at school; no one talks to me, or if they do, it’s nothing nice. I’m so quiet I almost stand out. There’s one kid, though, who seems to hate me more than everyone else. His name is Kellin, and according to him, not only am I the _scum_ of the Earth, not only do I _deserve_ the bullying, I _ask_ for it. And I kind of do. I just stand there and take it. There really isn’t a point trying to defend myself because nothing they say isn’t true.

The doors are locked until right before school, so everyone hangs out at the front and sit on the stairs or the ground or the tables. There’s a hierarchy for who sits where. I don’t have a spot. I don’t want one. 

When I get to school, I still have my earbuds in so I can’t, don’t have to, hear. It works fine until they’re yanked out.

“Hey, fag. I was talking to you.” I bow my head and look at the ground. He grabs my chin and forces me to look him in the eye. “You’d better look at me when I talk to you, you got it?” I nod. “Good. Now run along and I don’t know, go cut yourself or whatever you emo misfits do with your spare time.” He shoves me forward and I put my earbuds back in. Kellin fucking Quinn, everybody! What a charmer. He’s closer than he thinks, because the moment the doors open, I’m in the bathroom, stall door locked with a wad of toilet paper pressed against my forearm right below my elbow. The warning bell rings and it hasn’t quite stop bleeding yet, but I hastily try and bandage it up and head to class. 

I get into class just before the bell rings and slip into the only available desk. Right next to Kellin fucking Quinn. Great. Just great.

“Oliver, please be on time tomorrow,” the teacher drones. Kellin smirks at me. I look down.

“Yeah, fuckwad. Be on time tomorrow.” I ignore him and “focus” on my work, also known as doodling. The rest of class is spent with the teacher talking, Kellin poking me and insulting me and me just drawing tight spirals all over my notes until they’re illegible. Oh, well. It’s not like I care about school. 

The day drags on and it’s lunch so I go hide in the bathroom again. They find me anyways, Kellin and his cronies. They know better than to hit me where it’s visible but that doesn’t stop them from hurting me where you can’t see it. Before they go, Kellin whispers in my ear, “Why don’t you just go kill yourself? It would be easier for the rest of us.” 

By the time school is over, I’m dreading going home, too. Home means homework which means another day tomorrow and no I just want to _die_ and get it over with and what’s the point what’s the point what’s the pointpointpointpoint. I don’t even notice I’m standing on the railing of the bridge until I look down. It’s a far drop. I hope it’ll be enough. _Deep breath_. I’ve always wanted to fly.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Someone grabs my wrist and I twist trying to break free and I look behind me it it’s Kellin fucking Quinn who’s holding on to me. I just lose it.

“God fucking damn you. What do you think I’m doing? I’m trying to kill myself _like you told me to do_. So how dare you tell me that I should die and not let me do it?” He looks stricken and almost lets go of my wrist, but then rolls up my sleeve. I hiss as he pulls away the piece of gauze I hastily applied earlier and traces his finger down the slim lines. I succeed in yanking my arm away. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“Sorry? You don’t get to be sorry.”

“What can I do?”

“You’re going to go home and leave me alone and never talk about this again. Never.” He sighs. Nods. I walk away. Fuck him. _Fuck him_. I go home and the house is empty and I’m empty and it’s awful and coldcoldcold. I sit down on the floor by the door and cry. I’m not going back to school. Not now, not ever. I get up and walk back outside. Earbuds in, I’m walking back down the streets and I get to the highway and there’s traffic and one step and it _hurts_ -

I wake up. In a hospital. The heart monitor is beeping and I have an IV in and _oh my god_ I am in pain and it hurts. A nurse comes in and talks to me.

“Hey, love. How’re you doing?” I look at her. “It’s good that you’re awake. We were worried about you for a while. Anyway, we contacted your mom and she said she can’t come now but she’ll try to make time later.” No she won’t. “She did approve of transferring you to the adolescent inpatient unit.” Oh, no. I am _not_ crazy. I’m many things, but crazy isn’t one of them.”We’ll get you all patched up and then we’ll take you over tomorrow.” Just before she leaves, she turns around. “There is someone who’s waiting for you. He’s the one who called you in. His name is Colin, or something like that. I’ll let him know you’re awake.” She leaves and comes back with a familiar figure by her side. Kellin fucking Quinn.

“Leave me alone!” I snap. He looks sad, and leaves. The nurse looks at me disapprovingly but doesn’t say anything. Thank God for small mercies.

I honestly hate the inpatient unit with a passion. It’s bright and noisy and there’s so many people and I don’t have a problem, they’re all worse than me, different than me, I don’t need to be here. The adults disagree. So I’m stuck. A short kid comes up to me.

“Hey, dude. What’re you in for?” I don’t say anything. “I’m Vic. I tried to kill myself and my parents freaked out and sent me here.” I look a little shell-shocked. No one has ever been this blunt about wanting to die.

“I-I tried to kill myself, too.”

“That’s why most of the people are here. Come on, I’ll introduce you to my fellow inmates.” I meet a whirlwind of faces and names that blend together. I’m overwhelmed. I disassociate and I’m barely there, floating but pinching myself to come back. 

Life is pretty routine, especially after the first few days. It’s a constant barrage of group then nothing then group then nothing with meals mixed in. Dinner is at four thirty, which is outlandish. We watch a lot of movies, but they have to be G rated. The groups are rough. We talk about things I don’t want to admit to myself, much less other people. I share a little, about how I want to die, about how I hurt myself, but I leave it at that. I don’t want to go into details.

People come and people go, many staying for less than a week, others staying a lot longer. This isn’t the first time for quite a few of them. I’m not going to end up like them. When I get out, it’s going to be over. I’m not coming back.

After the weekend we get someone new. It’s always very _energetic_ when we get a new person. People are excited and scared. Someone new to talk to means more stories to tell and more anxiety. Which is why I’m sitting in my favorite chair in the corner when the new person walks in. And it’s him. Kellin fucking Quinn. He gives me a shy smile and I look away. It’s supposed to be _safe_ here and now it’s not and I’m scared scared _scared_. He sits next to me and Vic and I just fucking glare at him. Vic doesn’t notice, and is cheerfully chatting with Kellin, blissfully unaware that my mortal enemy is sitting two chairs down.

“Oli. I’m sorry.” I don’t look at him. “Please talk to me.”

“Fuck you. Why are you even here?”

“You’re not the only person in the world who’s depressed, so stop acting like it!” I roll my eyes and turn away.

When it’s time for group, I try and sit as far away from Kellin as I can. We go around and do names/age/school/diagnoses and I just shake my head. I don’t want to participate but when the social worker speaks to me, asking me why I’m here I just blurt it out.

“I want to die. I want to die because that’s what everyone tells me to do. I don’t _deserve_ to live I _deserve_ to die and I _just_ _wish I could.”_ I blink back tears and look down at the floor. I’m not really paying attention until it’s Kellin’s turn. He sighs, then sighs again, before starting to speak.

“I, um, yeah I tried to kill myself, no shock there, considering where we are,” he says, his voice high and nervous. “So, my dad isn’t really that nice, and he hits me sometimes, well, actually a lot. He hates me because I’m too feminine, I’m too gay, not smart enough, not popular, not a jock. He hates me because I’m not him. But joke’s on him, I _am_ gay and I’m not ashamed about it. So when he hits me, I have to suck it up because if I say anything, I’m weak and it just makes it worse later. So I go to school and force myself to be the person he, my friends, want me to be. So, yeah, I totally want to wake up, and sure, I fell down the stairs yesterday. No, of course my dad doesn’t hurt me, and _of_ _course_ I want to be alive! And I _hate_ him and he _hates_ me and I _hate_ my friends, but I _hate_ myself the most. I feel so guilty.” He doesn’t cry, but retreats within himself. I’m feeling some compassion towards him.

“What do you feel guilty about?” the group leader asks.

“I hurt, I _bullied_ someone so much that they want to kill themselves. I’m the reason they’re hurting and I feel so bad because I _care_ about them and the only way I’ve ever learned to show that I _love_ someone is through violence and insults. I hurt him so badly that I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I don’t deserve to live.” This is when he starts crying. “I love him so much and he wants nothing to do with me because I’m the reason he wants to be dead. It’s all my fault.” My head is spinning and I’m fixating on one thing he said. He said that he loves the person he’s bullied. I don’t get it. Does this mean he cares about me? That gives me a fluttering feeling in my chest and I hate myself even more for it. Fuck him for making me care, for making me care about him. I walk out but I go up to Kellin later and ask if we can talk. 

“I don’t get it.” I’m pacing back and forth in the hallway and Kellin is leaning against the wall, watching me. “I don’t get why you would hurt me, bully me, if you know what it’s like to be hated! You know what it’s like be afraid and in pain and yet you hurt me anyway! Why?”

“Weren’t you listening? Don’t make me say it out loud.” 

“What. ‘You love me?’ How the hell am I supposed to believe that when all you’ve ever done is kill me with your words.” He looks like he carries the guilt of the world on his shoulders, and starts to cry.

“I am so sorry for what I did to you. I understand if not, but is there any way I could earn your forgiveness?”

“Maybe by actually being nice to me for once!” I am so pissed. How dare he make me care about him? How dare he make me want to forgive him? He destroyed me, he made me who I am today, a depressed, self-harming freak. And fuck him for caring. I wish he had never given a shit about me and had _just left me alone_. I step close to him, and whisper, “I hate you for making me hate myself and for making me _care_.” I lean down, and press my lips gently against his. He stiffens, and I jolt and turn around to walk away. He’s standing there with his fingers touching his lips.

I’m sitting alone with my book, reading in the corner and pretending the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Kellin comes and sits down next to me.

“We need to talk about this.” I shake my head, and he frowns, just making me want to kiss him again. I turn back to my book. The doctor calls me over, which is never a good sign. He informs me that my insurance is running out, that I have to leave tomorrow. It feels like a stab in the gut. I go and talk to Vic, and we discreetly exchange phone numbers and make plans to talk when we’re both out. Some of the time, it’s exciting when a person discharges, but everyone knows I’m not ready. It’s a somber mood at dinner even though it isn’t unusual for someone to leave too soon. I am scared, but also eager to go home. 

“Hey, so I hear you’re leaving,” Kellin says after coming up to me. 

“Yeah. I’m excited to sleep in my own bed.” He smiles.

“That sounds nice. You do know, though, that we need to talk. You kissed me.” I wince.

“Can we just pretend that never happened?” 

“What if I don’t want to? What if I liked it? You know I care about you. Frankly, I’m surprised you even talk to me, much less kiss me.” His voice softens. “I’m going to miss you when you leave.”

“Maybe we could just start over. No bullying, just friendship?” He smiles.

“Sure.” 

“Hey, I’m Oli. It’s nice to meet you.” I cringe a little at the cheesiness but Kellin actually giggles, and it feels warm in my chest. 

“Hi, Oli. I’m Kellin, and it’s my pleasure.” We both smile and shake hands. We sit down together with our fingers tangled and it’s nice. It feels nice. I felt almost hopeful. Then scared. I don’t want to lose this feeling, of safety and companionship. I don’t want to leave. I’m scared about what’s going to happen when I go home. I feel so happy being with Kellin but I know that it’s not going to make me feel better. Having someone close will help, but it won’t cure me. Going home will be awful and I don’t want to leave.

The night passed and morning came so I have to leave. I packed my bags and gave everyone hugs, while the nurse was shouting “boundaries!” No one payed her any attention. Kellin was the last person and I held him for maybe a moment too long.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Me, too.” 

School is hell the next day. What a shock. I float through and it feels so strange. I get few questions because nobody really cares, so I just keep my head down and don’t interact. It takes a few more days until Kellin comes back.

The moment of truth arrives when I arrive at school, and Kellin is sitting there, with his friends. I’m scared to approach him so I hover on the edge, and one of his friends notices me and points me out. Kellin stands up and walks over, putting his arm around my shoulders.

“I missed you,” he mumbles. I smile.

“I missed you, too.” It’s lunch, and for the first time, I actually have a place to sit. Kellin saves a seat for me, and when someone gets mad, he just ignores him. I feel comfortable. 

I go to school and come home and go back to school and my life is falling back into the old routine of hating every moment of being awake. Kellin can only help so much, especially since he’s struggling on his own. We help each other the best we can. I try not to bother him too often; I don’t want to overwhelm him with my problems, so I have hurt myself within the past few days without telling him. I don’t want him to worry. 

We talk late at night, when the dark becomes too much for one of us alone. He’s not surprised when I call him and so I am not surprised when he shows up at my house. He threw stones at my window, so I go downstairs to let him in. He’s hurt. He holds his shoulder stiffly and sways a little as I have him sit down on the couch and while I go and get some ice.

“I’m scared, Oli,” he whispers. “Nothing’s different, if anything, it’s worse.” Kellin was placed back with his dad for the time being to see how it worked out, and it was not working. I sit next to him and hand him his ice and a cup of tea. He leans over and rests his head on my shoulder. “I’m scared. I don’t want to go back.” 

“You can stay with me if you want. My mom’s barely home so I don’t think she’ll even notice.” Kellin smiles. 

“Thanks.” We go upstairs and lie down in my bed. I lie awake, unable to sleep, but being comforted by the soft rhythm of his breath. I fall asleep feeling content. 

I wake up to him staring at me and I stare right back until he grins. We talk and laugh as we get ready, and share earbuds on the walk to school, holding hands and leaning into each other. 

“I’m going to have to stop at my house to grab some clothes.” I frown.

“You sure? I can come with you.”

“No. I’ll be fine.” I nod.

“Just please call me when you get there. I don’t want you to get hurt.” 

“Oli? I love you.” I startle.

“I love you, too.” He smiles at me and I feel light. I head home without him and wait. It starts to get dark and I start to get scared, so I sit against the doorjamb with my phone in my lap. He doesn’t call. I’m really worried now. I debate going to his house to check on him but I’m worried he’ll think I’m too clingy. Then my phone rings and I breathe more easily.

“Hey, Kells.” The background is loud and Kellin’s breath is heavy and close to the speaker.

“Oli. Help me.” He sounds like he’s crying. “I’m scared, Oli. He’s never been this angry before. I’m scared.”

“Hold on, Kellin. I’m coming over.” 

“No! No, no no no. Please don’t,” I don’t understand why he doesn’t want me to come, but then he starts crying in earnest. “Please don't hurt me. Oli, I think he’s going to kill me. No, I’m sorry-“ and he must’ve dropped the phone because it’s crackling and I can hear him crying and screaming, so I’m crying and screaming. I find the landline and I dial 911 and ask for help. They say they’ll send people over. I go, too. It’s long walk, so the emergency people are already there by the time I reach Kellin’s street. There are flashing lights and sirens, and I see the police pushing someone in handcuffs into the police car. That must be his dad. I don’t see Kellin. I walk closer and someone tells me to stay away as they wheel a stretcher into the ambulance. But the body is covered with a sheet and I just know, I can _feel_ that he’s dead. I’m crying and I curl up on the ground. Someone wraps a blanket around me, and I numbly sit there. I’m able to catch vague pieces of the story. Kellin’s dad shot him. If I had gotten help earlier, Kellin might still be alive. Kellin is dead and I want to be dead so I can be with him, because now I’m _alone again_. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Kellin’s house is unlocked and I climb the stairs to his room. I lie down on his bed and I can almost feel him lying next to me. I’m devastated. I’m dying again. Kellin was so full of life, even when he was sad and now he’s gone. I want to be gone. It’s not fair that he left me. I grab his favorite hoodie off of his dresser and pull it on before heading outside.

The streets are empty and it’s quiet at the bridge. It’s a far drop. Kellin’s not here to stop me this time. _Deep breath._ I’ve always wanted to fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with how to end this so I just left it there. I'm not sure if I like it, so feel free to tell me what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> I really struggled with ending this. I'm not sure if I like it so feel free to tell me what you think!


End file.
